A humble letter of defeat: The end of days (of burritos)

I am a broken woman.

October 3, 2013

Dear Dave,

I have a history of underestimating you.

Whenever we play Scrabble, I am 101% sure I will defeat you. This is generally a safe assumption. Whenever you do the grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s, I know that you will come back missing some items from my beautifully specific shopping list.

And most of all, when you foolhardily shook my hand that cool evening at Thee Parkside with our friends Carissa and Nicholas as most solemn witnesses, I thought confidently “he’ll eat burritos for two weeks, tops.” I imagined you crumbling after eating that last bit of tortilla at the end of a burrito which is soaked through with bean juice and little else, and crying out “No more burritos, cruel woman! No more!” Then you would sink to your knees and sob and I would comfort you with soft pats to the back.

But I was mistaken. Very very mistaken.

For I had not taken into account your cast-iron digestive system. I had also forgotten that men can quite happily eat the same thing for an extended period of time.

And – most foolishly of all – I underestimated the purity of your love for the humble burrito. You never tired of how the beans, cheese, meat and sour cream blended together. You kept going on and on about that whole “intangibility” factor that those BurritoEater SF people always ranked their best burritos by. You tore off that first piece of aluminium foil with as much enthusiasm on the last day of the challenge as you did on the first.

A note: some things that burritos did NOT do for you (despite your many assurances that they did):

–          Make you more attractive to women.

–          Improve your vision and hearing.

–          Improve your muscle mass and increase how “ripped” you looked.

–          Enhance your whale-spotting abilities.

Dave’s sole admirer.

So I stand here, poorer, over-Mexican fooded and with loser egg on my face. I salute you, my friend, because I doubted you and questioned your capabilities. I now know that you are a much greater man that I had realized – perhaps great enough to stand among the giants.

Humbly in defeat,

Your wife

P.S. I am very scared of this “secret forfeit” you have planned. Hurry up and tell me what it is!

P.P.S. To all of our friends and family who have supported us through this harrowing month – thank you so much for reading the blog, sharing burritos with us, or just coming up to Dave and poking him in the belly. We both thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated your support.

Full circle (or circumference of the perfect tube-shaped foodstuff)

The end is nigh.

Defeat looms over me, like the brown shadow over uncovered, day-old guacamole.

Dave spent the weekend in LA and sent me a series of terrible burrito photos – just like old times.

All the hallmarks of terrible Dave burrito photos – bad lighting, omnipresent thumb, poor salsa arrangement…

I feared that being away from my watchful gaze, Dave might stray from the loving bosom of burritos – but no! At some stage during this challenge, it stopped being about me. Now it’s entirely about a man and his burritos. Dave has total burrito challenge tunnel vision – and I doubt it’s a coincidence that a burrito is the exact same shape as a tunnel.

If you met him in person right now, Dave would convince you that he is an improved human being. Did you ever see that episode of Futurama where a colony of worms from an egg sandwich create a better, smarter and more capable Fry? Dave makes similar arguments for burritos. He may even start going door to door, with aluminium foil tubes that have pro-burrito pamphlets inside. You might be swayed by his passion, the spark of madness in his eyes…

But the reality? He’s sleepy. His hair is dull. His t-shirts are tighter. He spends a lot of time cuddling his cats.

Don’t be fooled, kids.

An improved human specimen?

Some notable recent quotes from the man himself as the days have drawn to a close:

Burritos and mood: “People often say that whole foods are really good in difficult times. I think it’s supposed to help your brain sustain itself and keep serotonin levels up or something.”

Burritos and biological miracles: “My cells are on f*cking hyperdrive.” (Editor’s note: This comment was in response to me saying that burritos had caused a rather unfortunate, gargantuan neck zit that Dave has acquired during the challenge.)

Burritos and survival: “That sh*t is life gasoline…biotch.”

The burrito answers you may or may not have asked for: Q&A with David Wallach

Pit toilet…crotch near Dave’s head…this epitomises the burrito challenge.

You asked: Dave (mostly) answered.

1. Have you been monitoring your weight and other body stats? What changes have you observed? 

I have been noticing some changes for sure. Interestingly my fat content has reduced dramatically, and my muscle mass has increased. I’m starting to wonder if steroids are a commonly added ingredient. Also, my hearing has improved quite a lot and I’ve been able to spot whales that are 100 miles from shore.

2. Have you acquired any super hero powers from eating only burritos?

Certainly not. That’s ridiculous. Stupidest f**cking question I’ve ever heard. 

3. How do you feel about being the hero burritos deserve but not the one they need?

I feel blessed. Burritos will never NEED a hero. Who would mess with an 8 pound slab of goodness wrapped in protective armour? NO ONE!

(Editor’s note: Dave spelled armour with a ‘u’ – the British, correct way – and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Why is this significant? Because Dave believes that American English is superior; English 2.0 as he so frequently refers to it.)

4. What is the worst burrito place you’ve eaten at?

Your house.

5. What is the best burrito place you’ve eaten at?

Thus far it’s El Burrito Express 2 on Divisadero. Their refried beans are amazing. La Palma was also great.

6. What will be the first non-burrito food you eat once the challenge ends on Wednesday October 2nd?

Tacos.

7. What drink goes best with burritos?

I love beer with burritos, but also often find that fillingness of beer, combined with the density of Mother Nature’s most perfect food stuff, is often a little too filling.

8. What was your lowest moment during the burrito-a-thon and how did you overcome it?

I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s not possible to have a low moment when eating such complete, whole foods all the time.

9. Out of all the burritos you ate, which one would be the best hangover cure?

Absolutely the best one is the breakfast burrito from El Castillito (on Church). That thing was amazing and because of the chorizo, it’s the perfect level of greasiness to get rid of a hangover.

10. Finally – and this one has nothing to do with me – what does it feel like to be a hero?

Precisely like lying on a pile of kittens while being carried off to Hawaii on the back of a whale.

The final frontier

Dave’s mood: Now has a cold. Vehemently denies that this unexpected illness has anything to do with his all-burrito diet.

It’s day 22.

If I’m honest, two weeks ago I would have been ready to smugly blog a victory post about how Dave had fought a brave fight, but had given up in the face of spaghetti carbonara. But no. No. Instead, he’s sitting beside me on the couch, replete and rosy-cheeked with the afterglow of his dinner burrito and calmly facing down the final eight days of the challenge.

Cat was included for scale but apparently even she can’t resist the burrito-y allure.

This weekend, we went camping in the Sierras and we got caught in a fierce hail storm. The rain and hail almost flooded our campsite – and then it turned to snow. We couldn’t access our cooking stove and six of us were huddled into the back of a truck and still DAVE ONLY ATE BURRITOS. Admittedly, it was a sad burrito that was barely worthy of the name but he folded it and raised it to his lips without flinching. It was momentous, like when Edmund Hillary crested the step that would bear his name.

The next morning, one of the campers made a batch of warm, delicious pancakes.

DENIED.

It’s still too early to call but perhaps – perhaps –  Dave has proven himself worthy of the name “Burrito Dave”.

Things Dave has managed to resist over the past 22 days:

– Taco Bell (although his time may yet come. However, he was unable to resist the fast-food burrito with the halo – Chipotle.)

– freshly caught yellowtail and tuna, masterfully made into sushi and sashimi by his sister and brother-in-law.

– homemade chicken cacciatore

– barbecued salmon

– all the fruit

– gloating

Many people have been asking how I will be punished if Dave emerges from the contest triumphant. Dave has settled on “something public and humiliating” but apparently hasn’t ironed out all the details.

The saddest burrito

Sushi and pouting.

Believe you can and you’re half way there*

*Theodore Roosevelt obviously never ate a burrito.

Dave’s mood: Vacillates between euphoric and slightly down-at-the-mouth – that is until his next burrito is put in front of him.

Dave has passed the midway mark of the challenge and this is what I have learned:

1. He really REALLY loves burritos. Last night, he ate a super veggie burrito from El Farolito and eagerly pointed out every pocket of avocado and the places where the beans, rice and sour cream had perfectly melded together. His shining little face reflected genuine enthusiasm. This was on DAY 15 of the burrito challenge. It’s happened before and it may happen again, but I am afraid that I have underestimated my husband.

2. When we were mapping out the challenge, I imagined that Dave would end up looking like this:

Is it wrong that I find this attractive?!

Instead, he looks like this:

Those arms are powered entirely by burritos.

Unexpected and disappointing.

3. The Great Pizza Analogy: Dave spent ten minutes that I’ll never get back explaining why a 30-day burrito challenge is infinitely superior to, say, a 30-day pizza challenge. In his words – “Man, like, with pizza, you always have the doughy base so, like, you can only change about 20% of the ingredients at a time. It’s all base, man! But with a burrito…I can switch up 80% of the ingredients any time I eat one!”

Milestones to date:

– On Saturday, Dave ate 5 burritos. Usually he’s averaged 2.5 to 3 but apparently the fresh air of Sonoma County unleashed a fierce appetite in him.

– One of his own farts CAUSED HIM TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM. His reason? “I thought if I left, the smell would follow me out.” I will pay someone, anyone (in burritos) if they can give Dave a 5 minute physics lesson.

– First disappointing burrito: Shame on you, The Little Chihuahua! Your garlic shrimp burrito contained tough, lukewarm shrimp and a underwhelming flavour profile.

– Another egregious spelling error: Dave was trying to affectionately insult me over Gchat (Gchat: Where good spelling goes to die) and he called me Ireland’s answer to Dennis the Menace. Only he spelled it “Denise the Menice”. But who really cares about spelling when you’re having such an illuminating apifany?

Burrito Cheater?

Dave’s mood: Enthusiastic but starting to put his feelers out for things to eat that aren’t burritos. 

I have to say, my confidence in Dave’s failure is shaken. It’s day 10 and he hasn’t wavered in his commitment to burritos. They may have replaced me in his affections. It’s crossed my mind that after 30 days of burrito brainwashing, he might decide to keep burritos permanently in his life, while shunning all other cuisines. He might start to wrap everything in tortillas. He might start to demand that he sleeps in a bath of refried beans. He would totally invest our meagre savings into a struggling taqueria – and eat the profits.

I blame these burrito delusions on lack of sleep. Our new kitten, Sadie Purrito Ballach, thinks it’s a fair trade to give us copious amounts of cuteness in exchange for us being able to sleep. Consequently I have mum brain and keep doing stupid shit like forgetting how to lock my own front door and having a five-minute Gchat argument with Dave about whether or not I’m a doughnut (the jury’s still out on that one.)

Sadie, I just can’t hold it against you

Due to kitty exhaustion, Dave has had a few taqueria repeats (although he’s always eaten different burritos). So far this week, he’s hit up Taqueria El Castillito, El Burrito Express 2, The Little Chihuahua and Papalote.

However last night, he deviated from the script and I’m still not convinced he didn’t cheat. He’s been avidly reading a burrito blog called Burrito Eater (sadly defunct) and now every time he eats a burrito, he shouts “9 mustaches!”. Or, mournfully says “That’s only a 6.5 mustache burrito.”  

Yelp users highly recommended the plantain burrito at a Mexican / Salvadoran restaurant in lower Haight called Cuco’s . But hold on a second! Plantain burrito? Did this burrito fit within the narrow field of my draconian rules? Can a plantain burrito be considered “Mexican-ish”? 

A half-assed Google search later, I had learned that Mexicans definitely eat a lot of plantains – but I didn’t come across any authentic Mexican plantain burrito recipes. Unfortunately for me, Dave pointed out that NONE of the burritos that he’s eaten on this journey are found in Mexico. They’re 50% Californian, 50% artery-clogging fever dream. 

You win this round, Wallach. 

BURRITO OF CONTROVERSY

Dave’s thoughts: One of the weirdest things about this whole experiment is how much I still look forward to eating burritos. In fact, I had a completely engrossing, soul-soaring experience eating one just a couple days ago. Burrito Eater gave 9 mustaches (that’s really good) to the Super Chili Colorado Burrito from El Burrito Express 2. It was superlative. I kept trying to quit the damned thing (Editor’s note: I wish I knew how to quit you!) but couldn’t. It drew me in and wouldn’t let go. Amazing. 

Other than that, I’ve noticed that my eyesight has improved, and my fingernails seem to be growing quicker. Strange, but not entirely unexpected.

 

 

 

 

Grocery shopping just got a lot easier

Don’t worry – Dave will still be stuffing himself at taquerias. These are contingency morning burritos.

Burritos make you smarter

Dave’s mood: Flagging, no longer asks for “super” burritos.

When asked to make burrito photos more exciting, Dave chose a thumbs up. Enthralling.

Dave has almost completed six days of eating only burritos and claims that burritos have improved his “mental acuity”. This newfound acuity was tested when yesterday, he drove us to a party a full 24 hours before we were due to show up.  We were rather puzzled when we parked and found our friend power-hosing the front of his house and no one else around.

We can conclude, therefore, that tortillas, beans and cheese don’t improve that particular biological function.

Some biological functions, however, have improved – or, at least, become more unpredictable. At the beginning of the challenge, Dave informed me that I wasn’t allowed to complain about his farts for the full 30 days. This instantly reduced our conversation volume by a full 60 percent.

We also decided that putting Dave through a 30 day burrito challenge wasn’t difficult enough on its own and went out and adopted a kitten. She doesn’t have a name yet but so far suggestions have included “Tapatio” and “Purrito”. I suspect that Dave isn’t going to want to be reminded of this month when it’s over, no matter how fluffy and cute the vessel.

Purrito?

We’ve also attended multiple parties where Dave has had to eat burritos while everyone else gets to eat normal food. This has had mixed results. On one hand, he’s attracted some very impressed ladies:

Dave’s burrito bitches.

On the other hand, he can’t eat anything at parties except chips and salsa. And he strong-armed me into letting him have guacamole as well.

One of the best parts of the burrito challenge is how many of our friends have been inspired to eat burritos, both with us and just because they sound delicious. There’s an open invitation for anyone living nearby to come over, meet our kitten and eat burritos with us. Dave may well need your support.

All was going well until Day 5 (Friday) when he was midway through his dinner burrito and I mentioned that he had 25 days to go. And he looked a little dejected and said, “You know, for the first time, that sounds like a lot.” Sadly, I am too evil, and it’s too early in the challenge for me to take any pity on him. I’m so cruel that I denied him fresh peach slice samples at the local farmer’s market. I’m sure there’s a special place in burrito hell for me where I’ll suffer eternal torment from endless tortilla chip cuts.

Dave’s thoughts: “I’ll admit that I did pause for a second when I realized that I basically have a month to go still. However, the idea that I’m ‘flagging’ is completely unsupported by the facts… I paused to briefly revel in the fact that I basically have a month to go. That’s 75 more burritos I get to eat!”

Dave’s burrito of the week: The breakfast burrito from El Castillito in the Castro. This burrito was part egg, part chorizo and 95 percent grease. It was so greasy that it dripped onto his leg, staining his jeans (more). Dave says that it’s “pretty damned good” and a “great hangover cure”.

Editor’s note: I saw a shadow of despair flit over Dave’s face when we picked up a burrito for him this evening. Slowly – but surely – he’s crumbling, like a stale corn tortilla. 

Day 1 – Someone needs to take better burrito photos

Dave’s mood: Cheery, bordering on manic

When I met Dave in South Korea, an unimaginably long time ago, the first things I remember him talking about were climbing, Burning Man and burritos.

True fact: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

He talked about burritos so much that I nicknamed him “Burrito Dave”. He was also the proud bearer of the names “Smelly Dave” and “Python Dave”. Alarmingly, he gave himself the last nickname and claims that he was “joking.”

Some people have asked whether breakfast burritos are acceptable for this challenge and they are – even my mile-wide sadistic streak wouldn’t accommodate watching Dave trying to struggle through a carne asada burrito at 7am.

I have been suffering a deluge of terrible burrito photos, like the two on the right.

On Day 1, Dave ate a breakfast burrito in the morning, something that resembled a breakfast burrito for lunch and at dinner, we picked up a chile verde tofu burrito from The Little Chihuhua. He was as happy as a clam in shit. I enjoyed his joy because I am confident that he will suffer burrito fatigue by next week.

When I asked him how things were going, he said he felt “light, energized” and like he was “glowing”. Maybe he is some kind of burrito-fueled mutant.

Dave’s apifany*: “This is still unconfirmed, but it seems that I am in fact eating less food than I was previously. If this trend continues, then obviously it provides more evidence of the burrito as the perfect food. It’s supercharged. Have more energy with less food? Yes, please.”

*This is how he spelled epiphany on Gchat. I wept.